Chaotic Cullen Chronicals
by soccerluvr12
Summary: A series of oneshots all starring our favorite vampire family...THE CULLENS!
1. Christmas with The Cullens

A little something to get you in the Christmas spirit!

I do not own any of this except the plot. And part of the was stolen from my sister ('CuzEdwardLikesBurnettes). DONT SUE!!

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Emmett's POV 

"Alice, why are you dressed up as Mrs. Claus?"

"Emmett, how many times do I have to tell you? The family is dressing up for our Christmas cards."

"But, Alice don't you think you'd make a better elf? I mean you're so short and Esme's taller and Carlisle going to be Santa in the Christmas play at the hospital."

"Oh yeah I forgot about that. Esme!" She yelled while going down stairs

"Emmett! Will you come here?" Bella yelled quite loud for her

"Yes, Bella. What do you need?"

"I'm outside."

"Coming."

As soon as I got out Bella, Edward, Rose, and Jasper whaled snowballs at my head. "OW!" I yelled after they were done "What's wrong with you people?! Am I not loved?" I began to "cry" when Rose came over and hugged me tightly.

"Feel better my big, giant teddy bear?" she asked as she let go.

"No, not yet," I said as I threw a snowball at Jasper's head. "Now, I do"

They all -except Jasper- fell to the ground laughing. I just stared at them confused. It was strange. Then, I saw Alice staring out the window holding up three reindeer costumes. I immediately ran up to my bedroom and locked the door.

There was a knock at the door…(DUN DUN DUN DUN)


	2. The Bet

Okey dokey...I know this is a stand-alone oneshot but I thought it deserved a spot in this series-type-thing, too. Ana

P.S. Kitty (the actual author and my lil sis) says hi!

**_Disclaimer: Everything and anything Twilight is owned by the amazingly tallented Stephenie Meyer. I simply mess with their heads and make them do stupid stuff._**

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Bella's POV

I'd just got back from a completely amazing date with Edward (who is also incredible). We went straight from the meadow to his house. There was nothing better than seeing Alice after a completely unbelievable date. I knew she knew what happened, but still, it was nice talking to her about it. She saw us coming so she was all ready outside when we got out of the Volvo. I had asked him to let me drive but no, he _had_ to speed down the road to get there.

Alice was beside me before I could blink. There she was, dancing along beside me, as I stumbled a down the path to the house. Then she glanced at Edward. It was like she'd just seen Emmet and Jasper do something so stupid that I can't even explain it.

After a moment of silence she said, "_So…_ how was the date?"

Edward just sighed. Then, Alice looked at me confused. Apparently, she'd seen that we had a great time. Right when we got in the house, we heard Emmett and Jasper.

"I bet you that I can eat more human food than you." Emmett said to Jasper as we walked into the house.

"It's a bet! The loser has to eat skunks for one year." Jasper said with enthusiasm as we walked into the kitchen. I saw them spit on their hands then shake on it.

"Hey, Bella would you mind going to the store with us? We need to get some groceries. I guess you heard our _little bet_." Emmet said winking at Jasper

"Okay, but I'm _not_ buying _anything_ for you" I said confused.

Once we got to the grocery store we went in and Emmett started grabbing everything in sight. Everything from frozen TV dinners to paper plates. I tried to catch up but he was way too fast. By the time we got to isle four, I was exhausted. Trying to catch up with a vampire is very tiresome. Then, I saw Jasper eating _all_ the sample cakes in the bakery. I tried to stop him but he wouldn't listen. I called Alice over and she pulled him over to me by his ear. Then I called Edward over and told him to stop Emmett's madness. A few seconds later, he came back dragging Emmett by the shirt.

"What's the matter with you two? You're both crazy! Do you have any idea what you're doing? I mean seriously you're both idiots!" Edward said ashamed

"Sorry" they said ashamed of themselves

"Do you want expose us all so we have to leave?" Alice added

Emmett stuck his tongue out at Edward looking much like a two year old. Edward followed his childishness, letting go of his shirt. I guess he was afraid of him trying to kill him. As we were going through the checkout line, Jasper took a pack of gum. When got out of line he took a piece and started chewing it. Then, he _swallowed_ it and took another piece then swallowed it, too.

"Jasper," I said, "you're not supposed to swallow it. You have to chew it." I loaded the groceries into the car.

"Oh," he said, understanding, "okay."

The next day, I went to Edward's house. When I'd got there Alice was waiting on the sidewalk. I was surprised that Edward wasn't there.

"Where's Edward at?" I said getting out of the car.

"He and _Emmett_ went hunting." she replied happily

"Wow, I never thought Emmett, of all people, would give up so easily."

"Well, Edward's hunting Mountain Lion and Emmett's hunting _skunks_." She laughed and I had to join.


	3. Bella Barbie and Visions

Hello, this is Kitty not Ana. First of all I am sorry for not updating in so long. I had a major writers block. And second of all i'm sorry for not doing a disclaimer last time.

Disclaimer: I do not own TWILIGHT. They belong to the wonderful STEPHANIE MEYER. PLEASE DO NOT SUE!!!

PS. this is my longest story yet.

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Alice's POV

"Are not."

"Are too."

"EMMETT!!! I…AM…NOT…SHORT!!!" I said between clenched teeth.

"Face it Alice are and you always will be _short_."

"UGH," With that I left him laughing his butt off. Sometimes he is worse then a two year old. I'm bored. Oh…I have a fantastic idea. We're going to play Bella Barbie. "Bella come here!" Edward was holding Bella in his arms like a little baby. They were making googlie eyes at each other. I put my hand at my throat and pretended to gag. They both rolled their eyes at me. I then went over and picked Bella up. Edward glared at me. I childishly stuck my tongue out at him. That's when Emmett came into the room and bet Edward to a restling match. Whoever won had to buy the other person a car. I looked into the future and Emmett was standing by a new yellow Hummer.

"What Alice?"

"We're going to play Bella Barbie."

"No we are NOT."

"Yes we are. Now sit down. Unless, you want me to have to get Jasper in here to hold you down," She immediately sat down. I smiled triumphantly. "That's what I thought."

I applied a light blue eye shadow to her eyes. Then added light pink lip gloss followed by a very light blush. After I was done, I took her into my room and dressed her. I put her in a blue and white Hollister tube top with white leggings and blue flip flops. She looked great.

"Bella look at yourself," she looked and gasped. I just laughed. _Edward come here, please._ I thought. In less then one minute he was in my room. Once he saw Bella, he just stood there and stared. Bella blushed a deep, crimson red. "Ahem."

Edward took Bella home around 10:00 o'clock. I decided that I'd go downstairs and talk to Emmett. "Hey Emmett! Guess what!?!

"What Dwarf? Can't you see I'm busy?" He said staring blankly at the TV.

"Fine, I won't tell you what kind of car Eddie's going to get you," I said grinning victoriously. "And you're an ogre."

"First of all, I AM NOT AN OGRE!!! And second of all, tell me or I'll insert you with venom."

"Fine, he's getting you a yellow Hummer."

"YES!!! I've got to go tell Rose," Then he ran up stairs.

The next thing I know I'm in vision mode. I was dancing with Jasper. We were so happy. Smiling at each other. Kissing. Making googlie eyes at each other. Then the next thing you know, there was a flash. A change in my vision. Bella was screaming in pain. Edward was there. Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, and I were there too.

Carlisle said "Today is the February 25th only three more days." Then my vision was over. I woke up and the entire family was there. "What happened?"

"You were out cold for twelve hours," Rose said

_Edward did you see all that?_ I thought. He nodded. "Guys we're changing Bella in two days,"


	4. HOWLING!

Hey guys! Here is a short story about Esme and Bella's day together when the rest of the family goes hunting.

Katerina

Disclaimer: **DON'T OWN IT, DON'T SUE ME! PLEAS READ!**

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Esme's POV

I was baking cookies for my beautiful, human, soon to be daughter, when I heard this strange howling. The rest of the family was out hunting and Bella was in the living room watching television. Then suddenly, I heard it again. Bella came running in the room screaming. Apparently she heard it, too.

"Esme, what in the name of Carlisle Cullen, was that?" Her voice was alarmed. I went over to her and held her tight. We walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. Then, we heard it again. I tried to call Carlisle's cell phone but it wasn't on. Then I tried Edward. Not on. Alice. Not on. Emmett. Not on. Rosalie. Not on. Jasper. Not on. I was terrified. Not for me but for Bella. All we heard was howling.

They finally got home. Without Emmett. "Where is Emmett?" Bella asked still petrified.

It was Jasper that spoke. "He had to come home to do some thing."

"Well he never came through the front door," I said.

Then we heard the howling again. Bella screamed and Edward was at her side in the blink of an eye. Jasper, Carlisle, Rose, and Alice were upstairs as soon as they heard the howling.

"How long has this been going on?" Edward asked concerned.

"Three hours," I said. "We tried to call, but nobody had their phones on."

Not long after that Carlisle, followed by Alice, Jasper, and Rose came down. Somebody that I was not expecting came down with an apologetic look on his face.

_**Emmett!!!**_


	5. Happy Anniversary!

this is a poem that Bella wrote Edward for their two year anniversary. i hope you like it!

Katerina

Disclaimer: i dont own it!

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Edward's POV

Dear Edward,

Happy two year anniversary. Here is your present. It was not expensive and for that I am sorry. I still hope you like it.

Your topaz eyes.

Your cold embrace.

When you look me in the face

I blush and blush.

You always rush

To help me in any way.

I don't know how I'll ever repay.

You are my prince charming.

You say you are harming.

I really do not care.

You have beautiful bronze hair.

Your voice sounds like bells.

You give off glorious smells.

Your family is sweet.

You make my cheeks heat.

Emmet is funny.

Alice is my bunny.

Jasper makes me calm.

Esme kisses my palm.

Carlisle is caring.

Rosalie is not sharing.

She is still okay.

Do you remember last May?

I love you more then the world.

You are my night with a shield.

All my love,

Isabella Marie Swan Cullen

That was the sweetest thing ever. My beautiful Bella wrote that. I'm going to have to add that to the list. The list of reasons I love her.


	6. Carlisle's Fatherly Side

This is a story where Carlisle's fatherly side kicks in.

Katerina

Disclaimer: Dont own, dont sue.

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Carlisle's POV

"Children! Get into the dining room, right now!" I yelled at them deafeningly. Everybody immediately went into the seldom used dining room. There was a lot of yelling. It was very bothersome. Everybody, except Jasper, Bella, Esme, and my self, were bickering. Emmett was yelling at Edward, about a wrestling match. And Rosalie and Alice were screaming about, Alice borrowing, Jimmy Choo shoes, that never got returned. "Everybody listen up! There has been to much fighting lately. Nobody, especially Jasper, can take it any more," It was true. Jasper was always banging his head against the wall. "Emmett, you're grounded from video games."

"NO, NO ANYTHING BUT THAT!" he said while hanging on my trousers. When I thought trousers, Edward chuckled.

"Rosalie, you're grounded from cars. You can't even drive them."

"PLEASE! Not cars."

"Alice, you're grounded from shopping."

"YES!!!" Bella screamed a little loud for vampire ears. "Sorry."

"Carlisle, anything but shopping." Came from Alice.

"Finally, Edward, no music, which means no piano or stereo."

"URGH!"

"Two months. If you fight anymore it will be longer."

Kids these days. What are you going to do with them?


	7. The New Woman of the Family

Ello people. sorry i haven't updated in a while. this is based off a conversation my friends and i had at lunch. it was hillarious.

Disclaimer: My name is not Stephanie Meyer. therefore i do not own Twilight.

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Edward's POV

Jasper POV

We were all watching 27 Dresses **(A.N. one of my fave movies) **Rose, Alice, and Bella wanted to watch it. When Emmett loudly spoke. Bella cringed because she was still a newborn.

"Hey everybody! I have an announcement!" My foolish youngest brother said.

"What?" We – meaning Rosalie, Edward, Bella, Alice, and I – said in unison.

"I'm a woman!" He said. And with that we all burst into laughter.

"Oh, Emmett now you can go shopping with me, and Rose, and Bella," Alice said. I swear I heard Bella groan. Emmett turned around pretending to talk on a phone.

"Oh, sorry about that. I just spoke with my doctor and he said I'm not a woman."

"Oh man, I have forseen the future and you were a woman." My pixie wife stated.

"Really?" Emmett asked. This brought us to another round of laughter.

"Of course not you moron." She said.

"Well that is Emmett for you," Bella said.


	8. I Miss You

Hey guys I'm so so so so sorry I haven't updated in a long time. I have reasons though.

I just had my appendix out on May 15.

My one incision got infected.

My dad just left to go on a business trip Sunday.

I have been super busy with softball and school just let out.

this is going on after edward leaves bella.

DISCLAIMER: I DONT OWN TWILIHGT.

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Rosalie's POV

Oh Bella if only you were here. Emmett won't tell jokes, Alice won't shop, Esme hardly smiles, Carlisle is always in his study, Jasper's really sad and Edward. He's the worst Emmett has to drag him out of his room to hunt.

I know I don't show I like you very much but you make Edward whole and I miss you too. Oh crap Edward can hear me.

"What the hack Edward," He just crashed into me.

"Rose thank you so much for thinking that," He said.

"Think what?" Alice, Emmett, Jasper, and Esme said in together.

"I just thought that I miss Bella," I replied embarrassed.

"Rose there is nothing to be embarrassed about Rosalie," Jasper said.

I just wish Edward would come to his sences and go back to her.


	9. National Prank Week Pt 1

Hey guys! sorry i havent updated in a long time! i have been duper busy! and i have a major writers block! if you could give me suggestions for my one shots that would be great! but anyway please read!

**DISCLAIMER: THIS BOOK DOES NOT BELONG TO BE BUT SOON EDWARD CULLEN WILL!!**

**LITTLE VOICE THINGY INSIDE MY MIND: YEAH IN YOUR DREAMS!**

**ME: OH MAN!!**

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Emmett's POV

"Hello," Bella's voice came thought the receiver.

"Hey baby I don't think we should brake up I like women too. _Desaray..." _I said whispering Desaray.

"Desa-who!?" She yelled. "Who is this?"

I couldn't help it I busted out laughing.

"EMMETT!!" She screamed.

"Happy national prank week Bella!" Then I hung up. There was a sudden pain in my head. "OW!" I yelled. "Rose tha- Bella that was you!?" I yelled.

"No, Emmett, that was your very expensive phone -which broke when hitting your large head- And this is a pillow." She said whacking me in the butt with a pillow.

"Well, I wouldn't be talking, Isabella Marie everything you touch shatters!" Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. Bella was changed two years ago. I thought she was shopping with Esme and Alice. That why I called her.

"No, Emmett, your right it was not funny. It was hilarious!"

"Haha! Bella, that was great!" Said my very hot wife who was just coming down the stairs.

"Hey Emmett! You said it was national prank week, right?" Bella said. I nodded.

"OMC! Bella that is genius! You're becoming more and more like me every day!" My Pixie like 'sister' squealed coming in the front door along with Esme - with at least twenty shopping bags.

"Well, I was thinking-" She was cut off by her husband and 'brother' – a.k.a Edward and Jasper - coming through the door. Not even two seconds later, Carlisle came back from the hospital. "As I was saying, today we could split into two teams - Boys verses girls – and prank each other all week."

"I love that idea, Bella! I wish I would have thought of it!" My sexy wife said. Her and Bella have become very close in the past two years.

"Thank you, Rose. Is everybody else in?"

"Yes," Everybody but me said.

"Emmett, are you in?" Bella asked impatiently.

"Heck ya!!" But I didn't use heck.

"Emmett!" Esme scolded me.

"Okay, everyone. You have two hours to be with your husband/wife. Then for the rest of the week the girls will stay in my room and the guys will stay in Emmett's room," Edward spoke for the first time.


	10. National Prank Week Pt 2

Hello all my fellow readers! I am so so so so sorry I haven't updated in months! thank you so much fo staying with me! i will try to make my updates mor frequent but im not making any promises! no offense! But any way... i might be making National Prank week a whole seprete story. so on with the story!

**_Disclaimer: I don't own this! it all goes to the wonderful mind of Stephenie Meyer!!_**

Bella's POV

"OK, how are we going to do this?" Esme asked as we sat on Rose's bed, trying to figure out how we were going to prank the guys.

"I don't know," we all awnsered simultaneously -we meaning Alice, Rosalie, Renesmee, and I. The guys are probably cooking up a lot of trouble right now.

"Mommy, I'm thirsty," Renesmee said quietly, not wanting to bother us while we were mid-conversation.

"Okay, sweetie. I'll tell Uncle Emmett to take you hunting in one minute." It was easiest for Emmett to take her because he could help her the most if she needed it - which was very rare.

So, when I opened the door go get Emmett, a giant bucket of worm fell all over me.

"Emmett!" I yelled so loud that it hurt my own ears.

He came running past me into the bathroom, locking the door at vampire speed and yelling over his shoulder, "Carlisle did it." By this time all the girls - and the guys for that matter - came out in the hall. That is, except for Emmett who was still locked in the bathroom. I walked straight up to Carlisle and said with as much venom that I could put in my words, "You don't know when, and you don't know where but you are going to get it. And your going to get it bad.

"Emmett, could you please come here. I'm not going to yell. I need to ask you a favor." I tried to ask as nicely as possibly. He slowly opened the door and stepped out, with a scared look on his face. "Could you take Renesmee hunting? She said she's thirsty." he slowly nodded his head, taking my daughter's hand and leading her outside into the woods. "Thank you," I called to him.

I then turned back to Carlisle and he said, "I'm so sorry, Bella! Why don't we just stop this silly nonsense and get back on with our lives?"

"I think we should stop, too. Before Renesmee gets hurt," Esme said in her motherly voice.

"I agree with you, Esme," Edward and I said at the same time, thinking about Renesmee's safety.

"Okay," everybody else that was left said.

"Who's going to break the news to Emmett?" Alice asked, with a look that said 'Cause I'm not doin' it'

"Rose could you persuade Emmett into doing it?" I asked, with an evil smirk.

"I think I could do that," She replied with a very evil glint in her eyes.

" Okay... now what?" Jasper asked, with a confused look on his face.

"I dunno,"Alice and I said at the same time.

After that was said, we all went our separate ways. Edward and I went to our room and sat on the bed, lovingly looking into each others golden eyes. It had a gold carpet with a bed in the far right corner. Even though the bed was only for the humans, it was very soft. The bed had a black comforter and a wide variety of pillows. On the far left corner, there was a stereo with hundreds of CD's.

I was brought back to reality with Edward gently kissing me. I looked up at him and smirked. He kissed me again and I deepened it. I could feel him smiling against my lips. Then, all of a sudden I heard a knock at the door and I reluctantly broke the kiss, to open the door.

When I opened it Alice was standing there with Renesmee next to her. Edward and I were so caught up in the moment that when they came back from hunting that we didn't even notice.

"Hi! Sorry to ruin the moment. But, I was wondering if Jasper and I could take Renesmee shopping." She said in her pixie like voice.

"Yes, Alice. But she better be back by nine 'o'clock. She has school tomorrow," Edward said with a stern look.

"Fine" she said, sighing.

"Well, Rose and Emmett went to the movies, Carlisle and Esme went hunting, and Jasper and Alice took Renesmee shopping. So we have the house to ourselves," Edward said, looking into my golden eyes.

"What do you want to do?" I asked quietly.

"Well, I was thinking about it and I think I want to," He paused for a second. "I think we should prank the family."

"You know I never thought of it but, I think that is a very good idea, Edward," I said thinking. "So, how are we going to so this?"

"Well, I was thinking and I think that we should prank each of them individually." He said with a thoughtful look on his face. "What do you think?"

"Well we have to do it out of the clear blue, so Alice doesn't see it." I said just remembering that Alice can see what we are doing. "So we have to have a to about this when Jacob comes to see Renesmee and I."

"That's a brilliant idea, Love," He said kissing my lips lightly. "What should we do now?"

"Well, we could go for a nice long drive," I said quietly

"Okay but only if I get to drive," He said with his beautiful crooked grin on his face. After a moment of being dazzled, I finally caved.

"Fine," I said with a fake sigh. "Where are we going to go?"

"I don't know. I guess we'll go where ever the road takes us," He replied with that crooked grin, that takes my breath away. "Why do you have an idea?"

"No, I was just wondering," I told him out of breath.

He didn't say another word as he picked me up and took me to the giant garage. We got there in a record time and when we did, he set me down on my feet.

"You know I was quite capable of doing that myself," If I were still human I would have been blushing.

"I know," he said with that crooked grin for the second time of being dazzled – in two minutes.

We went on our drive, and it was the middle of fall so the trees were beautiful!

"Oh my goodness! Edward this is gorgeous!" I exclaimed with a huge smirk.

"Not as beautiful as you. That is not possible, Love," My angel said sweetly.

We drove for about and other hour and then went home. When we got home, Renesmee was sound asleep and everyone else was either in their room or watching television. Alice was in the living room and gave us that look like 'I know what you're up to.' I hurried up and went upstairs with Edward hot on my heels. All in all today was a pretty good day!


End file.
